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Mar. 15th, 2008 | 10:23 pm

Title: Restless
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Akame, Pin
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Summary: Waiting, anticipating, hoping, that just one day, he would return to me. And he did...
Author's Note: I've abandoned this story eons ago, now, I finally decide to pick it up again along with my craze for JE. My first KAT TUN fic, ever. Hope you enjoy it...

Chapter 1 - Restless...

The pain returned, and I was anticipating it's return. The numbness, the empty hole in the deep layer of my heart. Throbbing with pain, and it left me feeling complete. Because I was so used to the numbing pain, that it rivals with everything else on my mind. I liked the pain, I wanted to feel it, the way I can't feel anything else but the pain.

It wash over me like reality, leaving me, questioning my existence.
 
  That kind of intense pain is no longer fresh to me, because every single night, the pain returns with greater intensity, sometimes I wondered if I'd be left alive, but soulless...
  The pain was also mixed with craving, lust, and the burning desire to claim what is mine. Jealousy, envy, and anger... This kind of feeling is scary, to know that I've turned to something, like a monster. I would cry, cry until I can't anymore, every single night, I think about what I have become, and it leaves me restless...
  Thousands of times, friends and family would question me, asking if I was alright. I answer with a smile that never quite reach my eyes, I say yes, every time... And they are undoubtedly believing me, every single word said to them, they believe it and even if they don't, they'll have to accept it as the truth, because I refuse to talk a second more. 

  They are insignificant to me, every single one of them, means close to nothing, but only him... May be it's because I love him too much, that everyone else don't matter anymore, may be it's because his existence would be enough, for everything... May be it's because I used every ounce of my love on him, that  I can't spare even a milli fraction of my affection on someone else...

That's how much you mean to me.

 
 Sometimes I wonder, what I'd do if I were to lose him. The thought alone leaves me restless, and shivering with fear. Would I ever have the will power to breath again? Even if he were to die for a second, in that second, everything will end, along with my existence...

And you have no idea, how much I love you...

  It surprises me how well I can hide the want, the lust toward him. The acting was flawless, so perfect sometimes people even thought I disliked him... The idea itself was so ridiculous it becomes painful just to think about it. Me hating him...so absolutely ridiculous...
 
What am I doing...complaining like this. Like a sissy...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Tonight will also be sleepless, and I don't mind. I don't want to close my eyes, and fall to unconsciousness. Because every night that I've slept for even a second, was hunted with nightmares. Dreams about him, him dying, leaving, loving another, millions of possibilities...

leaving me restless...


  I let my head fall, and tears slowly, but surely, started falling, wetting the pillow. Despite my closed eye-lids, tears continued to pour out, and I did nothing to stop it. Lying on the bed, motionless, for 2 hours, I didn't move. In that 2 hours of time, not a second did the tears stop falling. When I couldn't cry anymore, I got up to dry the tears. Looking into the mirror, I saw a ghostly, hollow void. Deprived of any affection and humanity, I saw someone beautifully fragile, and it breaks me.

I don't deserve someone like him... He's too bright for my shadow...


  In all my times of living, not a second was spent hating myself. I've always been confident and self forgiving.  Even times like this, I never hate myself for what I have become. But today, today was different. I hated myself for the first time in 21 years, and it felt like shit. Today I told another about my weakness, I actually told someone about my unhealthy obsession with him. My deep dark secret was finally revealed to the whole fucking world. What the hell was I doing, telling Yamapi. He must think I'm crazy, and I probably am.

  But no matter, Yamapi can't tell another soul. I don't think he will. Either way, it was one of the most awkward moments in my life. He had stared at me like I told him I was in love with Akanishi Jin, which was what I told him... He wouldn't believe it at first, but my serious tone suggested I wasn't joking. The level of shock when he learned of the situation was almost funny,  he looked like he was going to piss his pants.
 
  In his eyes, I see something akin to worry, fear, or something like that... I didn't care at first, even now, I still couldn't see anything wrong with his reaction. But deep in my heart, I sensed trouble, misfortune, like a bad omen, eating away at me, beneath all the layers of my logic, lay a troubled mind... Maybe it's the way he looked at me that told me something was not genuine, it leaves me restless...

   As if the topic wasn't awkward enough to begin with, we ended it with our so-called logic, blaming it on puberty. Jin was hot, and it probably was lust and not love. That's what we wanted to believe, not really caring if it made sense. And I know that he knows that I know he knows, they were all lies, we didn't care...

   He knew he was the only person I could consult with when it's something this private, but he just couldn't spare the time to lend me a helping shoulder, eh? He pushed away my problem as if it's nothing big. Running away from something that doesn't involve his well-being. For the first time since I met Yamapi, I realized how selfish he was. I partially blamed myself for going to Yamapi at all with my problems, but as a friend, and almost a family, he should be there to support me.

  I was being selfish too...knowing it would be troublesome for him to cope with it, but still unloaded my problematic problems on his unwilling shoulders. I feel so embarrassed.  I probably just wanted him to tell me Jin is out of my league, and that I shouldn't even bother trying. But he didn't. Instead, he told me I wanted Jin, and does not necessarily love him. That made me angry. I know very well what I feel toward Jin, it'd be better if he just told me I was impossible, and eliminate all hopes from the beginning...

  I was disappointed, angry, furious even, and most of all, betrayed. My best friend wanted to push me away.

and that was half a year ago...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Waiting for Jin's return was painful. Every second of every minute of every hour of every fucking day, all I can think about is him... And it left me worrying about myself even. Worrying about my sanity, and whether if it's good for my health. I'm pretty sure it's not.

I remember your smile, it leaves me restless...

  I wonder what he's doing at times, if not all the time. And the want increases, engulfing me whole. I want to remain sane, but every time I close my eyes, the image behind my eye-lids was bound to be Jin. Staring at me with the same intensity even after all those years, the yearning never quite stopped.

What will you do, if you saw me crying like this...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  "Kame!" I heard someone yell, pulling me out of my daydream temporarily. I glared at whoever yelled my name so loudly.

  "What?" I inquired, annoyance was more than noticeable in my tone. I'm tired, grumpy, and not in the mood to deal with anything else but sleep at the moment.

  "Jin called, he wanted to know if you were alright..." I was more than surprised to heard his name. But at the same time, interest sparkled my senses. More than anything, I wanted to know what they talked about.

  "I see..." emotionless...

  "Kame! Don't you want to talk to him? Judging by his information, it sounded like you refused to answer his calls." Once again, annoyance rekindled...

  "We have nothing to talk about." It's too painful to listen to his voice...

  "But despite anything, you guys are friends." pause, "Kame, don't tell me you're still made at Jin!" anger. "It's been so long! Learn to forgive!" That's it...

  "Tell him I'm living." I forgave him the second we stopped arguing.

  "Tell him that yourself!" Koki is slowly getting on my nerves...

  "Whatever" It's true, I did change ever since Jin left. It's his fault for leaving behind an empty void...

  "Kame...what's wrong?" Nothing, I'm just thinking about that breath taking angel...

  "I'm tired, leave me alone." And stop reminding me of him...  

  "Whatever makes you happy,"  and I was alone. Finally...  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  I strayer away from family and friends. I shut myself out, completely. Jin would probably be disgusted if he sees me like this, powerless, and pathetic...

  Going to the bar is like a daily ritual to me, getting drunk, fucked, and played with. But I didn't care, because he was no longer here. When the sole reason for my existence left me, I see no reason to hold off my dying soul any longer. It was fortunate I hadn't died a long time ago...

Come back...    

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Days passed, followed by weeks, then months... It felt like an eternity has drifted by, waiting for his return. And I finally started to question my sanity, on the verge of corrupting. I miss him so damn much...    

  Jin... Smile. His smile.

  Memories are  what keeps me whole, and yet it eats away at me, crawling on my inside, and then making it's way out. Slowly, eating away at my very soul. Days, after days, the memories, his memories, killing me slowly.

  Come back to me...Jin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  "KAME!" Glare.
  "KAME!" Annoyance.
 
  "What?" I gave in...

  "Jin! He's returning!!!" Silent, freeze...

  "What?" I can't believe it, I won't...

  Universe stopped spinning, and breathing became difficult...

  "Don't you understand Japanese? I said JIN IS RETURNING!" For once in my life time, I wanted to kill Junno for making such a cruel joke...

  "Good one..." I tried to sound perfectly collected and calm, as if totally unaffected by his cruel ways of amusement.

  "I'm not lying! He called, saying he's going to return next week!" His ecstasy suggested he really wasn't lying.

  "He called...?" The words sinking in, and in no time, I feel my world spinning with great speed, it made me wonder if it's going to throw me out of orbit...

  "YES! He did call! Aren't you happy?!?" Of course I am... happier than I have been since I was born... It makes me restless, to know you are so far away, and yet only a phone call away...

  Jin...will I finally be able to see you heart breaking face again?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Empty...

  Heart Beat...

  Anticipation...

  Sweat...

  Heart Beat...

  Breathing...

  Spinning...

  Heart Beat...

Flight ACO31, scheduled to arrive at approximately 3:10PM.

Looking at the clock for the millionth time in 10 minutes, it left me sighing in anticipation.

2:43

30 more minutes...

Laughter, excitement, chatter... restless...

2:47

Sigh...

Waiting...

20 more minutes...

2:56

Jin...


come on...

Heart Beat...

Pulse Rate...increasing...

Nervousness...

3:00

More laughter. Excitement.

Yamapi...

3:03

almost...

Jin...

seconds...

minutes...

I'm waiting

3:07

hurry...

3:08

seconds...

3:09

pulse, heart beat, excitement...

Chatter...

I dawned out the screams from the fans around me, nothing registered on my mind, but him... it makes me restless, to know he's only a few seconds away from me...

3:12

Just a few minutes more...

Jin, hurry...

more chatter...

3:16

why are you so slow...?

I'm waiting...

3:23

hurry up...

3:27

Jin...I love you...

forgive me...


And then, my world exploded...

heart racing, beating with anticipation, the world no longer mattered, only him...

Scream~

  There he was, standing a few feet away from me. The distance between us seems to stretch longer as time passes. He was beautiful. Heartbreakingly beautiful. It feels like the time stopped, and everything else ceased. No words, no sound, only him, in this whole universe, only he existed...

  His beauty screamed with elegance, the way he moved, held himself, dripping with grace.

Intrigued...

  Why is he so beautiful? So breathtakingly beautiful, it makes me wanna kiss him... Like an angel, descended from the sky not too long ago, the aura of heaven never quite disappeared around him. This kind of inhuman beauty, never was it introduced to mankind.  Ethereal... This pure, and whole perfection left me questioning my own consciousness. Why does someone like him exist?

  And I wasn't the only one entranced by his beauty...

  Time slowed down, and the world become smaller, there is nothing, except you...

 
Noise ceased, chatter stopped, screaming paused, time stopped for him, no one moved. Marveling in his presence.

  When I saw his smile, I fell for him all over again. Confidence, coolness, grace, indifference...

Jin...welcome home...

  I'm sure I was more than ecstatic, seeing him once again, and this time within arm's length... So reachable, unlike before, hoping, wishing, waiting, for his return... It feels like a dream, feels so surreal, for this angle to stand in front me, gleaming with happiness... I feel content the first time in so long...

are you finally back by my side?

  My smile widened when he spotted me, but it also disappeared just as quick as it appeared.
He was searching for something, for someone, and that person wasn't me...

  who are you looking for? searching with all your might, when the person who will make you happy is standing right in front of you...

 
Breathing became difficult, and the numbness once again took it's toll. I was no longer left in the fantasies of him coming back, but something so painful it destroys my world...

  "Pi."

  Nothing was said, only that one word, and it wasn't my name... he called out to someone else, someone who he thinks will make him happy...

 "Welcome back..."

 Words were exchanged between the two, and only they were there...at that time, at that place, everyone else don't matter...

  In a second, he was in his arms, embracing, tears fell... Their's and mine...

I've never seen you smile so genuinely, is your smile only reserved for him...?

 
Along with the breaking sound of my heart, they broke apart, no words said, but as if a communication so much beyond words, they told the other everything from point one. I can see it in their eyes, the longing... I wanted to die, at that moment, I seriously hated seeing him...

The one you chose wasn't me, it was decided a long time ago, that the one you really love was the other, the boy prodigy of JE...

Jin... I love you...

To be Continued...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: My first KAT TUN fic, hope you liked it.  I don't really like the way it turned out in the end... but let's hope I will have further inspiration in the future...
Let's hope I'll finish this...
You see, I wrote this in grade 7, the first chapter was completely done out of impulse and the three second fever thing. I've picked this up again after a whole year, and my JE craze rekindled with me. I didn't bother doing a spell or grammar check since it's been so long. Cope with the mistakes, I promise the next chapter(if there is going to be one) is going to be A LOT  less sickeningly dramatic.

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Comments {1}

jajakio

From: jajakio
Date: Apr. 26th, 2008 07:07 am (UTC)
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please updateddddd

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